Secret Subject Swap #5

Hello friends! Can you believe it's February already? I'm very happy because it means we're that much closer to Spring. It has snowed all week and I am ready to look outside of my windows and see grass. I know it's a little premature, but I am so looking forward to longer days and soft breezes. Ahhhh.

It's the first Friday of the month! That means it is Secret Subject Swap time! I panic every month about this project, but then I end up having so much fun discovering new bloggers or laughing with the ones I already love. Remember, we all get a different subject that another blogger thought up and interpret it any old way we'd like.

At the end of the post, I'll leave links to all of the participating blogs. There are 15 this month. Check them out, leave a comment or just tell them hi. Everyone loves to get new traffic. If you're interested in joining the next Secret Swap, get yourself over to Karen's blog, Baking in a Tornado. She's the creator of the swap and she will hook a blogger up!!! Come along now....

This month, my topic was given to me by Karen@ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy. Karen has a family of three and posts all kinds of tips on eating healthy, saving money and organizing. She is also an incredible mom who writes about her beautiful son. Karen's topic for me was: Your favorite brand of candy/chocolate asked you to create a new product. What would it be, what ingredients, flavors, name, packaging?

Holy Hit-the-Jackpot, man! Seriously?? That topic is on my bucket list! Well not really, but now I'm absolutely adding it. Here we go:

***

M&M Mars and Ghiradelli kept calling last week. Constantly. They've been writing for months too, asking for a new line of chocolate. This, after I gave Brach's the idea for child-sized Sour Patch Kids. When I say child-sized, I mean the actual size of a child. Like the size of a three year month-old. Cherry, Lime, Lemon and Orange. You wouldn't know the exact flavor, because they would be covered in citric acid and sugar. After an hour or so, you'd find out your secret flavor! Sure, your tongue may bleed and your teeth may fall out (the package has a warning), but what a way to go. Lime is my personal favorite. I finished one off while catching up with my "stories" on TV.

"Ginormous-Sour-People"(copyright infringement) were a huge hit with kids and parents everywhere!  We showed numerous commercials of the computer-animated-genderless-figures doing the pop-n-lock all the way to the breakfast table. You can put anything with a glass of milk and some toast and call it a start to healthy breakfast. $29.95, my friend. Less than 30 bucks and you can be in a sugar coma alert ALL day!

I know why these companies keep calling ME. They won't leave me alone because they know I have a TON of money AND I have a famous relative. Cash + a famous name = credibility in this town. You know how some people get where they want to be because of who they know? Well people know who I am. I'm not ashamed to use the family name if it gets me what I want. Actually, I ALWAYS get what I want.

My name is Victoria Salt. That's right. Salt. As in my famous mother, Veruca. Veruca Salt. All of this candy-inventing business started one day in the 60's, when my grandfather made his peanut factory workers find found a golden ticket in a silly chocolate bar. The ticket was supposed to be a pass to some candy-making place. There was this whole to-do about touring the factory. Instead, all my mom saw was technicolor, plastic lollipops and overly spray-tanned dancing little men. She and grandpa were forced to follow a wall-paper licking man who sang freaky songs on a boat. Mom was petrified and begged grandpa to let her go home. I guess when she politely asked for a hen who laid eggs, (sounds like a simple request to me) the owner kicked her out! The injustice of it all makes me sick to this day. I guess it doesn't matter now. Grandpa gave mom everything she asked for after that. All she ever wanted to do was create candy that would make people as happy as she always was. Not at all like that kiss-up, wimpy Charlie guy. He runs that so-called company now. He's so busy burping soda bubbles and keeping secrets that he never gets anything done. Oh, and you didn't hear this from me, but I hear his whole family (Like 20 people!) co-sleep in one bed. Whatever.

I guess the least I can do is answer ONE of these chocolate companies. My newest idea is an everlasting jawbreaker ode to my kind, selfless mother, who told me that while it IS better to give than to receive, receiving was MUCH more fun. Gosh, I miss her.

My new chocolate bar will be filled with caramel and double dipped in chocolate. It will melt fabulously in your mouth, clear your palate, then do it all over again. Of course it will be wrapped in gold foil (in homage to grandpa, my mom and that lame ticket she never stopped talking about) and it will be called, "I want it and I want it now!"

That's all you have to say at the store. "I want it and I want it now!" The larger your voice, the cheaper it will be. I believe we would sell it in 1, 5 and 52 pound bars. Women will come from afar to get their special chocolate fix. It will cure headaches and backaches and the worst cases of PMS. Men can eat it too, but it will have different results. Like Viagra. With a few other side effects I can't go into right now.

Come closer. Because like that ridiculous Willy Wonka, I too have a secret. If you quietly go up to the counter with your chocolate bar, lean in very close to the sales person and give them the same eye you give your family when they have jumped on your last nerve...if you say in that scratchy, teeth-clenched,  end-of-your-rope voice, "I want it....and I want it NOW!!!!!!!", that beautiful chocolate will be yours. For free. Yep. Because you deserve to get what you want, just like my momma and me.

Yours truly (I guess),
Victoria Salt-Keebler
(Yes, I am also a trophy wife to an elf. He makes a damn good cracker.)

Thanks again for the topic, Dinosaur Superhero Mommy!
Don't forget to check out these other hard-working ladies. You deserve a laugh or 14 today.

Baking in a Tornado                         

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                      

The Momisodes   

Menopausal Mother             

Quirky Chrissy                         

Momaical                          

Life on the SONny Side             

Chewylicious                            

The Insomniac's Dream               

A Mother Life                                

100 lb Countdown

Something Clever 2.0

Just a Little Nutty

My Brain on Kids 

Happy "Swapping like sisters" Friday, friends!

-Michele