I've written this post 20 different times and deleted it 20 times. I didn't know how to explain my absence with humor, but I also didn't want to seem too dramatic. I have lovely friends who have written heartfelt posts on their current situations. I just don't have the energy right now. If you know more than what I've written down, please know that what I've posted, I've discussed with my family. I haven't elaborated for the sake of what my children know. (age appropriately)
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I've been up to since January 4th. For informational purposes only. In list form, for no reason at all.Yes, there are some things that I said I'd not speak about on this blog, but hey. It is MY blog. This is usually where I insert that I hope I'm not offending anyone with my post, but I'm going to take a pass on that this time...
Procrastination:
1. I wrote on FB last year that I would make something handmade for 5 people before 2012 ended. I really did think about it all year. I was 25 days late. The good news is I heard from four of the five recipients. They really didn't seem to mind (meaning, they forgot about it too). I received some beautiful thank-you messages.
Little sewing kits with my apologies for being so late.
2. I decided I would not write on my personal FB page until I finished that job, so, um..yeah.
3. I purposely stayed away from my favorite blogs during much of this time because answering them all seemed overwhelming. Before you say that commenting on my friend's hard work isn't important, understand that it is important to me.
Physical Health:
1. I have an overlapping autoimmune disease.
2. In the past two years, many of the symptoms have gotten worse.
3. I'm always exhausted.
4. My doctor says I look sicker on paper than in real life. SCORE!
5. I hate that my kids see me feeling weak.
6. I had five biopsies done this month. (They all were benign!) Four of them did not get infected.
7. I am not dead.
Mental Health:
1. This is hard.
2. In 1999, I was diagnosed with PTSD and a major depressive disorder.
3. I do not know when any of my autoimmune symptoms started, but I know the exact day when my depression did.
4. I started to write about my past and hours later was mortified at what I could remember.
5. I let my husband read what I wrote.
6. I couldn't look him in the eye for 3 days.
7. Two of my very best friends and the man let me know that it was all okay.
8. I called my psychiatrist in an emergency over it all..... and she didn't show up for the appt.
9. It was for a good reason, but still!!!!
10. My mental health is 10 times more embarrassing to me than anything else.
11. I'm afraid some people will never understand. On the other hand, I'm glad those people don't have to understand.
12. I hate my children seeing me weak.
13. I am not dead.
Gratefulness:
1. I have two girlfriends who know almost everything about me. They listened to me tell my stories and let me cry my eyes out. No judging, only support and extreme kindness.
2. Our best friends let us come along to Nevada for a weekend to celebrate one of their 40th birthdays. I gambled too much (with pennies; I'm such a rebel,) I imbibed too much, (6% alcohol outside of Utah, y'all!) I talked TOO much and had the best time I've had in months.
3. I have a blog friend who emails with me and encourages me in ways I don't deserve. If we lived near one another, we would be all kinds of great friends..and trouble.
4. I have a cousin and another friend who play Words with friends with me. It's a small connection, but when you're too sad to talk, at least you can spell.
5. My kids and man. I told you I hate seeming weak in front of them, yet it happens. Each one of them has had a kind word. The eldest changed my bandages, The middle child hugs me and brings me gumdrops. The youngest reads me his stories and the man listens to me complain, holds me when I cry and dispenses my drugs like a master caretaker. All of them have taken their turns cuddling on my bed, talking about their worlds and watching TV.
6. It is because of all of these people and more that I'm still alive.
Misc.:
1. I dropped my Twitter account.
2. I sewed a bunch of stuff.
3. My daughter and I opened our windows and batted down icicles with Nerf swords. (Our neighbors love us.)
4. I reopened my Twitter. (Thanks, K.)
5. We bought our new dryer and it looks like an oven. (neither of us cook)
Dryer AND baked potato maker?
There it is. In a nutshell. I call my blog a crazy journey. Crazy because if I say it first, you won't have to. I've been doing a lot of constructive things as well, but I will blog about them later. This is enough golden information for anyone to take in all at once.
Happy "Livin La Vida Loca" friends.
I've missed you.
Feel free to comment and ask me anything. I'm happy to answer any questions. If you feel they're too personal, shoot me an e-mail. If you do comment, please leave your name. No "anonymous" people, please. If this post has scared you away, please know that THAT is okay, too. If you don't have anything to say but want me to know you're here, you can say that. Just like at school. Shellybean? Here! kind of. ;)
