Secret Subject Swap- March 2014

Happy March, every one!

If you're a regular reader, you know that the Secret Subject Swap is a collaboration between various bloggers. We receive secret topics from a blogger in a secret e-mail and put our own spin on the subjects. The 14 blogs participating this time are listed at the end of this post. Go have a look and leave a comment. It will make my our day! :)

My “Secret Subject” is:

You have a magic lamp. Where did you find it? What were your 3 wishes? Where did you leave the lamp?

It was submitted by: Michelle @ DribblesnGrits

Okay. I'm assuming infinite wishes aren't part of the deal, right? That would have been so easy!! (and maybe a little dangerous!)

Now that the snow is thawing, we are once again seeing our yard and all the work that's going to be weekends in the making. I might complain at this point, but I'm much too happy to have the snow on the mountain top (where it belongs) and not in my yard.

Leave it to the dogs to wander the depths of the yard in full gusto. Henry came back from behind the shed with more mud on his coat than hair. What in the world? I wandered back to the part of the yard I usually try to ignore: the (dreaded) grass heap. Henry had dug up something. Stepping up to the hole, I peeked in and prayed that it wasn't some one's beloved pet. Or grandma. Hey, we live in an unincorporated area. There's no telling what one might find…

I brushed off the "dug up" treasure. It was a box. Dear Lord, it WAS some one's grandma! I'm kidding. The wood cube was beautiful and locked. No worries, though. You know me. A bobby pin, the tine of an olive fork and that baby would be golden.

After a minute of my "other-side-of-the-tracks" skills, the box was open. It wasn't some one's grandma. Or money. Dang. There also weren't any spiders. If there were, the box would have to have been set afire (naturally). Nope. Sitting perfectly in the box was a kettle. A MAGIC kettle. How did I know it was magic? Because when I rubbed it, a beautiful genie that looked like Taye Diggs came out and told me I would be granted three wishes!  I turned it upside down it said the word "Magic" on it and stated that every twenty years, when polished, 3 wishes would be granted.

We signed at the top, February 2014

Now. I have read The Monkey's Paw by W.W. Jacobs. I'm fully aware of the consequences of being greedy. I chose NOT to ask the kettle for a box of assorted ice creams. That would just be selfish, right?

It makes sense. 3 wishes, 3 kids. It's what a mother SHOULD do, right? What are the chances that one of them would choose the assorted ice-cream? Eh. Here we go:

A. (the 20 year-old daughter):

"I would wish to start my dream-teaching job tomorrow (on PAYDAY!) so I can drive my brand-new car to buy myself a huge burrito from Taco Bell. I wouldn't give one care about the price of that delicious Supreme Burrito.

J. (the 9 year-old son):

"I wish for unlimited money."

C. (the 15 year-old son):

"Well…"

Three wishes. Some fulfilled more than others. What about the man, you ask? Well, before burying the box in a secret location, he partook of the extra wish we didn't know we'd get. It's the little things, people. Thank you, Taye Diggs. Magic Kettle.

Thanks for the prompt, Michelle!

Baking in A Tornado                          

The Momisodes                                       

Stacy Sews and Schools              

Follow Me Home                        

Outmanned                                  

Confessions of a part-time Working Mom              

Dribbles and Grits                                

Spatulas on Parade                       

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                                 

Someone Else's Genius                     

More than Cheese and Beer             

Searching for Sanity                  

Rants From My Crazy Kitchen                             

Climaxed        

Cheers to having your craziest wishes come true :)
-Michele

Images property of shellybean and created by CJM                          

Fly On the Wall: February '14

Hey there!  Welcome to the February Fly on the Wall Group Challenge. This month, 11 awesome bloggers and I are describing what it would be like if you were to take a peek inside our homes....

Have a "look" around mine, and then go visit the other blogger's pages. There's always something fun, sentimental, or better yet, embarrassing going on. It's like your house, only we're admitting to the craziness. You have our permission. Buzz on over!

Cast:
The man
A., the eldest (daughter, 20)
C., The middle (son, 15)
J., The youngest (son, 9)

Henry and Lila- The dogs

We weren't in the house much. I'm assuming flies follow our family. It's probably the smell.

Trip to the Beach:

It was beautiful and warm. I counted every blessing while we were there. Getting away; hearing the ocean at night; feeling the sand between my toes. I was in heaven. It was good for my soul.

Hours before, we were looking at a foot of snow in our yard. It's amazing how you can go from that to feeling the warm sun on your skin.

I got punked by a bird. I felt so sorry for him! I tried to dig in my purse for something to feed this one-legged flyer. Look how he is balancing that round belly on just one little stick leg! It's like me in tree pose.

I step closer. With tears welling in my eyes, I close in.  Just like that, the chubby feathered animal popped out his other leg and laughed at me. They all laughed at me. 

I suppressed my cravings for eating poultry. That day.

***

On the way home, I got the middle seat. I tried to be friendly to the man beside me. (The other side). He wanted no part of my company.

I tell my husband about him at the airport.

Me: "That guy was grouchy."

The man: "He probably didn't want to be bothered."

Me: "I offered him some of my Red Vines. He rolled his evil eyes at me."

The man: "Why would he take your licorice? He didn't know you. He didn't know where your hands have been…"

Me: "Where my hands have been? They've been in a bag of Red Vines! Geesh."

The Lego Movie:

We saw it. We loved it. Morgan Freeman completes me.

The man and I were bumping each other and talking about our favorite parts of the movie. There were many.

C. and J. :"Um, Mom? Dad? Remember us? We came with you!"
The man: (looking at me and laughing) "Oh yeah. That's right. We brought kids. Get in the car, I guess we'll take you home."

***

C. : "Thanks for the movie. And the treats. That coke was huge!"
The man: "No problem. We only had to dip a little into your college fund for the concessions."
C. : (nervously) "You dipped into my college fund?"
The man to me: "College fund? What college fund??"
We simultaneously laugh for the next ten seconds…

***

Me: " (Walking into the boys' room,) "What are you doing?"
J. : "C. is helping me sort Legos by color!"
Me:  "Can I help?"
C.: "I don't know, Mom. You always get crazy over this stuff."
Me.: What are you talking about? That's mean!"
C. : "Never mind. Here." He moves, makes a space for me, and explains the process."
Me: (after about ten minutes of sorting,) "Hey. Don't you think we should put the boxes in order of color? ROY G. BIV any one? Where do the clear ones go? This piece is white and blue. Where does IT go? Why aren't the green pieces in a green box? Shouldn't there be a separate box for characters? Wheels HAVE to go in another box, right?."
J. is puzzled and C. is shaking his head. I decide to leave.

Dark green and light green in the same box? I can't work under these conditions.

Let's all make fun of mom:

C: "Mom needs a swear jar."
J. "Mom needs to put money in the jar every time she eats sugar."
A. "Gather round, my family. If this works, we're going to Disneyland!"

***

A. to me after I run to the mailbox in my bare feet: "Show-off. We all can't have reptile feet."
C. "Mom. Yeah, what happened? Your feet look like webbed-duck feet."
Me: "If dad and I ever get divorced, he's getting full custody."
The man: "HEY! Not so fast!."

***

We were laughing one night at dinner talking about silly stuff we used to do:

A.: "I remember when I was small, I thought the moon followed me."
C.: "When I was little I thought giraffes were really tall horses."
J.: "I thought EL-em-en-O-P was one letter."
Me: "When I was in first grade, I ate paste."
Pause. My whole family got up and left.

I refuse to think paste was made from any animal. At least the paste I ate.

After a few days, I wake up to this:

It's a Glue Factory. I'm sorry, PETA.

February 12th:

If you read this blog, you KNOW that I count my love of chocolate somewhere in-between the love of my three kids. (I won't say the exact order). You also know that in my world, candy makes everything better. You break a dish? You buy me a candy bar and all is forgotten. You are fifteen minutes past your curfew but you have a box of Sourpatch Kids? I lost my watch. Dog poops on the floor but he's bringing you a box of Mike and Ikes? I smell nothing. You get the picture.

You can imagine my anticipation for the 14th of this month. There is a drill. We practice three or four days before. I sit quietly as my family lines up, bearing the gifts of their search. Roses? Set them aside please. Construction paper cards? I will read (and cherish them) in a moment. Boxes of chocolate. There we go. Turtles, chocolate coffee and Junior Mints. Yes. A giant chocolate statue of me? Don't mind if I do.

And so I wait. We have to take a day off of practice so I can go to a doctor's appointment. I don't mind. I think the family has the candy run under control…
If you truly believe in Karma,
If you get the saying, "Be careful what you wish for." If you think to yourself, "Damn that lady. she gets everything she wants. Who needs THAT much chocolate?" "She should get diabetes!"

Okay, you're (hopefully) not THAT mean. Maybe just wishing for a little "Insulin Resistance."
I say to you people, "Couldn't you wish for that any other time of the year?"

Indeed, I have a metabolic syndrome which is forcing me to "radically change my diet". (Doctor's words). I looked at her like she was talking to someone else. Perhaps she messed up paper work. Maybe she's mixing up the February holiday with April Fool's Day. Lots of other things were said this day, but I couldn't focus on any of them. I lost my ability to speak. I envisioned those chocolate treats swirling above my head like sugarplums.
"When does this diet have to start? How long do I have to do it?" I ask incredulously.
"Yesterday and forever." Says the cruel woman in a white lab coat.

Valentine's Day was much like a funeral. People still brought their pre-purchased gifts of sugar love and handed them to me with heads bowed. I had to smile. But I couldn't.

I have walked by the shrine of treats for days. Sneaking tiny pieces here and there until the box of Turtles was gone. What am I supposed to do? Don't answer that. Dang.

Any one up for a partial box of chocolates?

Thanks once again for stopping by, and to the Fly's AMAZING creator, Karen @ Baking In a Tornado, aka "The Blogging Original", for hosting this challenge! Would you like to join in the next FLY challenge? Click on the FLY button on my side bar. Karen will more than take care of you.

Take a look at what the other bloggers have going on inside their homes. Go on! Leave them a comment. You know you want to...

Baking in a Tornado                          

The Rowdy Baker                                  

Just a Little Nutty                                

Spatulas On Parade                          

The Sadder but Wiser Girl                                   

Follow Me Home                            

Searching for Sanity                           

Menopausal Mother                                 

Dates 2 Diapers 2                              

Stacy Sews and Schools                

The Lazy Mom's Cooking Blog                                   

Spinster Snacks   

illustrations by: CJM                                      

Stay sweet, my friends :)

-Michele

Secret Subject Swap: January '14

 Happy New Year, friends. I hope yours is already off to a great start. Like everyone in the U.S., we are dealing with the snow, smog and the cold.  Ugh. I hope you are doing all you can to stay warm and cozy. Why not sit down with something hot and take a glance at this month's SSS. ?

If you're a regular reader, you know that the Secret Subject Swap is a collaboration between various bloggers. We receive secret topics from a blogger in a secret e-mail and put our own spin on the subjects. The 11 blogs participating this time are listed at the end of this post. Go have a look and leave a comment. It will make my our day! :)

My “Secret Subject” is:

The best and worst gifts you ever received.

It was submitted by: Stacy@Stacy Sews and Schools     

I've decided to tell you a story that took place when I was seven. What started out as a wonderful gift, turned into (by my own doing) a gift I'd like to forget.

One Easter, (1977, I believe) my grandmother bought each grandchild a GINORMOUS, solid chocolate rabbit. I remember this not only because it was SOLID CHOCOLATE, but because, well…I've got nothing. I guess that was it. Did I mention it was Ginormous?

That chocolate rabbit, i.e. hug-from-heaven-wrapped-in-cellophane, sat on my grandmother's buffet, taunting me during Easter dinner. That was the deal. Eat the food, get the rabbit. In my head, the chocolate was going to taste better with every nibble of corn and mashed potatoes.

One might think that I'd finish that Easter dinner and be too full to even touch that rabbit. One would be so wrong. Even at the ripe old age of seven, I knew the glory of sweet cocoa. This wasn't my first rodeo. I shrugged off any doubt and bit somewhere into the top of the brown, animated rodent. Cue angels singing and white fog. I think that rabbit came alive for a tenth of a second. We may have danced on clouds together, I can't recall.

I didn't completely finish him. (That day). Back at home, I set the remainder of my Easter gift on top of the refrigerator. Every time I walked into the kitchen I'd sneak a bite. I walked in to the kitchen A LOT. Bit by bit, I nipped gnawed away until the rabbit was an unrecognizable chunk of chocolate. Still though, it WAS chocolate. The bites would melt in my mouth. I'd swirl the mixture so every single taste bud would savor the glory, then I'd slowly swallow it, licking my lips to make sure nothing went to waste.

Me, tasting the chocolate rabbit

 When I finished the last of it (RIP, beautiful bunny,) I shook the crumbs at the bottom of the bag into my mouth. Yes, I realize that might be a bit much, but it's not like I licked the inside of the bag or anything. (That came a year or two later.)

I thought that was the last of my Easter treat extravaganza, but it wasn't. By force of habit, I traveled to the kitchen, reached for the top of the fridge and what do you know? There was a crinkle of plastic. Was it an old loaf of bread? Was it a package of Pork Rinds? I grabbed the item and stared at it. What the What? It was another my chocolate rabbit!!

Smelling the familiar heavenly scent should have ended there.  Let's not be unreasonable here. I was seven. And it was ME!  I took the tiniest bite possible while trying to keep the rabbit intact. It tasted just like I remembered. I quickly wrapped that bad boy back up and put him atop our golden appliance.

It may have been by habit, but every now and then (every five minutes), I'd find myself back at that familiar place, unwrapping the crinkly plastic and biting down on the dwindling treat.

One day (how did I not see this coming?) My mom gave my baby sister her chocolate rabbit. Reaching the top of the fridge, mom reminded my sister that she had to make the treat last and that….Oh no. I felt both bunnies fall to the pit of my stomach.

"WHO ATE THIS CHOCOLATE RABBIT??" screamed my mom, as if the neighbor down the street would know the answer.

Then my dad walked in. He slowly took the rabbit from my mom, viewing it from all sides. Wow. Was it really THAT small? Someone else HAD to help munch that thing down.  With all the genius of a little girl I said, "Are you sure YOU didn't eat it, Mom?"

"No! I'm on a diet! Besides, my rabbit is right here!" she answered. She reached in a cabinet and pulled down a solid bunny of her own. It wasn't as big as mine was, but in was whole. Wrapped up with its original ribbon. Shoot. Why didn't my mom put my sister's rabbit up there too? I was about to be busted. So busted.

Dad, who had lately taken over as the family's own CSI, pulled out a flipping magnifying glass. Where did that come from? What was this going to prove? He asked both my little sister and me to take a bite of the chocolate bunny. DUN DA DUN DUN.

The three year old took a full bite that still amounted to that of a china doll. Small, petite and adorable. I might as well have screamed out my guilt right then. It's time to admit to my readers that as a child I had the biggest, buckiest teeth NOT belonging to a rabbit. Not only that, but I had a crooked canine tooth that came in behind the others. We called it my tooth in the second row. I took the chocolate (Which would probably be the last time I'd ever eat again) and bit softly into the bunny. Dad took the chunk back and put the magnifying glass down. He didn't need it. Anyone could see the glistening scratches down the front. My teeth marks looked like a ski run. Ever so often you could also see where that crooked tooth got in the way.

close up of a not-so-innocent girl

All eyes were on me. I was humiliated. My dad yelled for a minute. My mom gave her own chocolate rabbit to my sobbing little sister. I just stood there like the food-stealing criminal I was. My dad then took me to the front porch. I was confused. Beatings don't happen on the front porch. Even in the seventies, for fear that your neighbor's mom would join in too.

We sat down on the front steps. I looked around. Were the Hershey police coming? Would the Easter bunny literally hop by my house skipping only me from now on? More nervous than ever, my dad handed to me the last of the crime's evidence. The last chocolate chunk . 

"You stole this chocolate. You didn't ask, you just took it for yourself" he said.

I hung my head in shame. Was he going to make me hold it until it melted? Was I going to have to recreate a new rabbit out of it?

"I want you to put that chunk in your mouth. You stole it. You wanted it. Now eat it. Eat the whole thing, now. No talking. No whining. Think about what you have done". he said

Now, if you were a kid like me, you've been spanked with a hand. Or a switch. Perhaps a fly swatter or a wooden spoon. Maybe you've been yelled at until you wanted to break your own ears off. That was not happening this day.

My father watched me stuff a huge chunk of chocolate into my mouth. I'm not sure if I was suppose to gag for effect; I'm not sure if I was to look like I was pondering what I did wrong. He just looked at me for a few seconds and returned to the house.

It was at the moment I heard the screen door shut behind me that I finally exhaled. (Through my nose, of course). I moved the by-now malleable piece of chocolate in my mouth to each side of my cheeks so I could periodically swallow. I'd lean back and let the liquid slide and find its way down my throat. I did that until it was gone.

Best. Punishment. Ever.

Lesson learned:

I apologized to my sister fully knowing that she could care less; she was too busy playing with her dolls.

I apologized to my parents who probably imagined that I made myself sick mixing shame with melted chocolate.

I would TRY not to steal sweets again.

Since my mom was on a diet, surely she wasn't going to finish that whole chocolate rabbit.

Thanks for the topic, Stacy!

If you are interested in joining us for the next Subject Swap, you can visit its creator, the wonderful Karen @ Baking in a Tornado. She is an amazing woman. You can also read all about the swaps by clicking on the SSS icon on the side of my blog.

Don't forget to check out this month's talented participants!

    

Baking in a Tornado                         

Follow Me Home                   

The Momisodes                                       

Confessions of a Part Time Working Mom                          

A Working Mom's "Whoas"                           

Evil Joy Speaks                   

Go Momma!                                 

Juicebox Confession                             

Stacey Sews and Schools                 

Searching for Sanity                       

Spatulas on Parade                       

Small Talk Mama                                 

                       

Cheers to the chocolate lovers every where.. You know who you are.

Happy Weekend, friends

-Michele

Secret Subject Swap #5

Hello friends! Can you believe it's February already? I'm very happy because it means we're that much closer to Spring. It has snowed all week and I am ready to look outside of my windows and see grass. I know it's a little premature, but I am so looking forward to longer days and soft breezes. Ahhhh.

It's the first Friday of the month! That means it is Secret Subject Swap time! I panic every month about this project, but then I end up having so much fun discovering new bloggers or laughing with the ones I already love. Remember, we all get a different subject that another blogger thought up and interpret it any old way we'd like.

At the end of the post, I'll leave links to all of the participating blogs. There are 15 this month. Check them out, leave a comment or just tell them hi. Everyone loves to get new traffic. If you're interested in joining the next Secret Swap, get yourself over to Karen's blog, Baking in a Tornado. She's the creator of the swap and she will hook a blogger up!!! Come along now....

This month, my topic was given to me by Karen@ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy. Karen has a family of three and posts all kinds of tips on eating healthy, saving money and organizing. She is also an incredible mom who writes about her beautiful son. Karen's topic for me was: Your favorite brand of candy/chocolate asked you to create a new product. What would it be, what ingredients, flavors, name, packaging?

Holy Hit-the-Jackpot, man! Seriously?? That topic is on my bucket list! Well not really, but now I'm absolutely adding it. Here we go:

***

M&M Mars and Ghiradelli kept calling last week. Constantly. They've been writing for months too, asking for a new line of chocolate. This, after I gave Brach's the idea for child-sized Sour Patch Kids. When I say child-sized, I mean the actual size of a child. Like the size of a three year month-old. Cherry, Lime, Lemon and Orange. You wouldn't know the exact flavor, because they would be covered in citric acid and sugar. After an hour or so, you'd find out your secret flavor! Sure, your tongue may bleed and your teeth may fall out (the package has a warning), but what a way to go. Lime is my personal favorite. I finished one off while catching up with my "stories" on TV.

"Ginormous-Sour-People"(copyright infringement) were a huge hit with kids and parents everywhere!  We showed numerous commercials of the computer-animated-genderless-figures doing the pop-n-lock all the way to the breakfast table. You can put anything with a glass of milk and some toast and call it a start to healthy breakfast. $29.95, my friend. Less than 30 bucks and you can be in a sugar coma alert ALL day!

I know why these companies keep calling ME. They won't leave me alone because they know I have a TON of money AND I have a famous relative. Cash + a famous name = credibility in this town. You know how some people get where they want to be because of who they know? Well people know who I am. I'm not ashamed to use the family name if it gets me what I want. Actually, I ALWAYS get what I want.

My name is Victoria Salt. That's right. Salt. As in my famous mother, Veruca. Veruca Salt. All of this candy-inventing business started one day in the 60's, when my grandfather made his peanut factory workers find found a golden ticket in a silly chocolate bar. The ticket was supposed to be a pass to some candy-making place. There was this whole to-do about touring the factory. Instead, all my mom saw was technicolor, plastic lollipops and overly spray-tanned dancing little men. She and grandpa were forced to follow a wall-paper licking man who sang freaky songs on a boat. Mom was petrified and begged grandpa to let her go home. I guess when she politely asked for a hen who laid eggs, (sounds like a simple request to me) the owner kicked her out! The injustice of it all makes me sick to this day. I guess it doesn't matter now. Grandpa gave mom everything she asked for after that. All she ever wanted to do was create candy that would make people as happy as she always was. Not at all like that kiss-up, wimpy Charlie guy. He runs that so-called company now. He's so busy burping soda bubbles and keeping secrets that he never gets anything done. Oh, and you didn't hear this from me, but I hear his whole family (Like 20 people!) co-sleep in one bed. Whatever.

I guess the least I can do is answer ONE of these chocolate companies. My newest idea is an everlasting jawbreaker ode to my kind, selfless mother, who told me that while it IS better to give than to receive, receiving was MUCH more fun. Gosh, I miss her.

My new chocolate bar will be filled with caramel and double dipped in chocolate. It will melt fabulously in your mouth, clear your palate, then do it all over again. Of course it will be wrapped in gold foil (in homage to grandpa, my mom and that lame ticket she never stopped talking about) and it will be called, "I want it and I want it now!"

That's all you have to say at the store. "I want it and I want it now!" The larger your voice, the cheaper it will be. I believe we would sell it in 1, 5 and 52 pound bars. Women will come from afar to get their special chocolate fix. It will cure headaches and backaches and the worst cases of PMS. Men can eat it too, but it will have different results. Like Viagra. With a few other side effects I can't go into right now.

Come closer. Because like that ridiculous Willy Wonka, I too have a secret. If you quietly go up to the counter with your chocolate bar, lean in very close to the sales person and give them the same eye you give your family when they have jumped on your last nerve...if you say in that scratchy, teeth-clenched,  end-of-your-rope voice, "I want it....and I want it NOW!!!!!!!", that beautiful chocolate will be yours. For free. Yep. Because you deserve to get what you want, just like my momma and me.

Yours truly (I guess),
Victoria Salt-Keebler
(Yes, I am also a trophy wife to an elf. He makes a damn good cracker.)

Thanks again for the topic, Dinosaur Superhero Mommy!
Don't forget to check out these other hard-working ladies. You deserve a laugh or 14 today.

Baking in a Tornado                         

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                      

The Momisodes   

Menopausal Mother             

Quirky Chrissy                         

Momaical                          

Life on the SONny Side             

Chewylicious                            

The Insomniac's Dream               

A Mother Life                                

100 lb Countdown

Something Clever 2.0

Just a Little Nutty

My Brain on Kids 

Happy "Swapping like sisters" Friday, friends!

-Michele

Day 28 of Forty: Twinkies for lunch.

Me: (walking from the kitchen to the living room with two Hostess treats in my hands)  "Hey, Oldest Child. Look at these Twinkies. They have six holes instead of three. See? There are three on the top and three on the......."

Daughter: (Sliding into the hallway on her socks and grabbing one of the Twinkies from me.)  "Shhhhhhhhhh! Mom! Don't taunt the Twinkie Makers! " Sliding back into the living room with her treat, she finishes her words of wisdom. "NEVER question why there might be extra cream filling OR where it may have come from. Geesh!"

How blessed can I be with such quality mother-daughter bonding?

Thank you, Wonder bread Store with half-off boxes of Twinkies. And Chocolate Cupcakes. And Ho-Hos.
I shall never question the mechanics of your cream filling again.

You know I'm going to ask. What's your favorite Hostess food? If you don't eat the kind of processed foods that don't have expiration dates, I'll have to ask you not to participate at this time :)

Happy Tuesday, friends :)