-A mostly true journey of a girl, her man and their three kids; all trying to live harmoniously in a house somewhere in Utah. Names and exact locations may be changed in order to protect the grouchy.

Monday, February 25, 2013

15 times 3

About a month ago, I was tagged by one of my favorite bloggers, Marcia @ Menopausal Mother to answer questions about myself. It was originated from a FB poll that was passed on and recreated for bloggers. The great thing about the blogging world is that we are allowed to spin our answers any which way we'd like. My friend Karen @ Baking in a Tornado did a "Now and then version" which, BTW is hilarious. Marcia answered her questions with her usual so-true-it's-too-funny humor. You must read this woman. I think we were related in a past life. She always makes me laugh.

Since you already know too much about me as it is, I decided to interview my children with 15 of my favorite questions from the poll. Their answers had to be short and simple. They ended up being pretty silly, and let's admit it, somewhat sarcastic. Hey, they are MY children. They're also always trying to make laugh. Usually, they succeed.

Remember now, my kids are kind, thoughtful people. If this is a first look at my blog, please know that I encouraged creative answers from the older two. This is what they wrote.

Welcome to my kids! Cast:



A. 19 year old daughter
C. 14 year old son
J.   8 year old son

1. Where were you born?
A. I was born in a city that sounds like a hiccup. (Ypsilanti)
C. In a hospital.
J. I came from your stomach, remember?

2. Were you named after someone?
A. Alexander the great, because come on, I'm great.
C. After my great-grandfather..or was it Jesus?
J. The guy in the bible. The one in the whale.

3. Do you want to have children one day?
A. NEVER! Joking. I will be a strict military mom of four boys.
C. Siamese Twins- I would like to only have to pay for one kid.
J. 2 boys and a girl. I will name the boys Kevin and Jim.

4. Would you like to have a pet?
A. I want a wiener dog named Henry.
C. A bulldog named Alfonzo.
J. Probably a bird, who would eat crumbs when I drop them.

5. What has been your worst injury so far?
A. I had a sunburn that paralyzed my legs. Imagine sitting in a Denney's plastic booth. I'm pretty sure the pain was worse than childbirth...
C. I do have to carry my muscles around every day...
J. I broke my arm on the monkey bars when dad wasn't looking.

6. I can burp the ABCs. What can you do?
A. Shake my eyes like a snow globe. Don't judge.
C. Burping the ABCs, in Swahili.
J. I can think many things at the same time.

7. What is your favorite meal that I cook?
A. Spam and Mac and Cheese. Again, Don't judge.
C. Caviar and 3 foot Marlin cooked on the grill. (I wish)
J. Hamburgers. Oh. What YOU make? Chicken and rice.

8. What is your favorite fast food place?
A. Fazoli's. I love pasta. No big deal.
C. Whatever place has the twisty-slide.
J.  McDonald's.

9. What is the first thing you notice about people?
A. Eyes and teeth
C. I usually notice that they are not nearly as good-looking as me.
J. Their face.

10. When is the last time you cried?
A. A few days ago. There is an upcoming math exam, so I'm planning on crying again soon.
C. When Hostess closed down.
J. Today when my lego building broke.

11. What are your favorite smells?
A. Cinnamon, men's cologne and money.
C. Fruit-Loops, gasoline and tears of angels.
J. Peppermint, peppers and Circus Peanuts.

12. What is your favorite movie?
A. Mean Girls...or my homemade reenactment of Titanic.
C. My 6th grade Shakespearean play; I was amazing in that.
J. Tron

13. Biggest pet peeve?
A. When people chew like horses.
B. When people don't thank me for my good deeds.
C. People who get so close you can feel their breath.

14. What would you like to accomplish in the near future?
A. Become a  chess champion forever. Underwater. With sharks. Blindfolded.
B. Building planes out of cabbage.
J. I want to build a pool. That works. Out of Legos.

15. What do you think about my blog?
A. It's cool. I find more things out about myself than I ever knew.
B. Sometimes it is awkward to proof-read :(
C. I don't get to read it.  (See C.'s answer)



If you are a blogger and like this idea, please feel free to answer the above questions. You can find the original questions on the very cute blog, The Family Pants. Don't feel pressured. Set it up in the way that feels most comfortable to you. Link back and let me know so I can take a look. I love learning about each and every one of you.

Happy "getting to know you, getting to know all about you" day, friends !

-Michele

Friday, February 15, 2013

Fly on the Wall #3


Hey friends!  Welcome to the 3rd Fly on the Wall Group Challenge. This month, 14 VERY brave bloggers and I are describing what it would be like if you were to take a peek inside our homes....



Have a "look" around mine, and then go visit the other blogger's pages. There's always something fun, sentimental, or better yet, embarrassing going on.. It's like your house, only we're admitting to the craziness. You have our permission. How often can one say that?

If you were a fly on the wall at my house this month, this is what you would have witnessed:

Cast:
Me- Yeah, that would be yours truly.
The Man- My husband
A.- The eldest child (daughter)
C. The middle child (son)
J. The youngest (son)


Regarding Lent:

The Middle Child: "I'm giving up being poor."
The Eldest: "I'm giving up sweets. No, wait. I'm giving up cake and cookies. I have a REAL Valentine this year. I am NOT giving up candy. Or chocolate. Or whatever "he" gets me..."
Me: "We're giving up fast food."
The Youngest (yelling): "Well what are we going to eat for dinner, then??"

The Blog:

Me: "I have to write about what funny things we said this month."
The Youngest: "I've said multiple funny things..just today!"

The Youngest: "I want something fun to do. No one is listening to me. A. and C. are always on their phones. Dad is always on his computer and mom is always on her blog!"
The Middle (and now grounded) child: "You just need an imaginary friend. We have them too. They live in our electronics. Yours probably lives under your bed."

Me: "Will one of you make a blog header for me? I need something new."
The middle child: "I'll do it."
Me: "Okay. I'll tell you what I want..."
The man (laughing and shaking his head) "Yeah, C. Good luck with that."
3 hours later....
Me: "It kind of looks like a little kid made it."
The Middle Child: "Well, I thought you wanted people to think YOU made it."
Me: "Very funny. Now your initials are going under it."

From the Living Room:

The Man to the eldest: "You know, as long as you're living under OUR roof..."
The Man to me: "Never tell my parents you heard that."

Me to The Man: "I am not going to sleep until I finish this puzzle."
The man: "That is going to take you all night. You can't finish that before bed."
Me: "Watch me!"
He doesn't. He goes to bed like a normal person would.
Me to the Middle Child: "I will give you $5 dollars to help me finish this puzzle."
The Middle: "But I have homework..."
Me (looking at the clock): "Okay. Twenty bucks."
The middle child: "Well, this piece goes here and this piece..."
Yeah. We finished it.

Playing the alphabet game with the three kids..
The youngest: "I have 'R'. My name is Roger. I come from Rrrrr..Rogerville, and I sell rrrrWrinkled people."
The middle: "That's not right. Wrinkled starts with..."
Me: (Making my mean-mom face). "Shhh. That's okay...."
The eldest (of course gets 'W'): "My name is Wilma. I live in Wyoming and I sell.....wrinkled people."
The older two laugh. The youngest is frustrated.
Me: "I need a drink chocolate."


That awkward moment... (this month)

When you run in your towel to let your daughter in the house, open the door and realize it's the mailman. This is why he usually stays in his Mail truck.

When your daughter comes home announcing a job change, saying she's ready to be a grown-up and you are putting together a puzzle with Red Vines coming out of your mouth. Oh, and Spongebob is on.

You move the kitchen island because you're ready for a change. You realize there is a ton of crap under it. You contemplate the situation and realize the vacuum is upstairs. You move the island right back where it was, matching up the dust spots exactly.

When you decide to practice yoga in the living room and realize there is more crap under the sofas than there was under the kitchen island.

When your three children are screaming at the top of their lungs while wrestling on the couch and all you can do is smile...and take pictures to bribe them with later.

The man: :"Don't pay any attention to J. screaming in the bathroom. C. is helping him pull out his tooth."
Me: "Was it really that loose?"
The man: "Probably not."

The eldest to me: "You know what I learned in Psychology today? 'Baby Can Read' is a lie. The whole thing is a scam."
Me: "I know."
The eldest: "Why didn't anyone tell me?"
Me: "You didn't ask."
The eldest." I feel like everything I've ever been told has been a lie." (where does she get that exaggerating thing from?)

and finally, (Drum Roll Please.)

Me to the middle child (my son): "Are you wearing my jeans?"
The middle child: "I don't know..."


Thanks once again to the Fly's creator, Karen @ Baking In a Tornado, aka "I'm-putting-a-fire-under-your-butt-shellybean-so-get-writing", for hosting this challenge!



Take a look at what the other bloggers have going on inside their homes. Come on. You know you want to...


Baking in a Tornado                                    
Big A Little a                                  
The Insomniac's Dream                        
Just a Little Nutty                              
The Sadder but Wiser Girl                       
Stacy Sews and Schools             
Menopausal Mother              
My Brain on Kids                                       
Finding Felicity                                 
The Rowdy Baker                                      
The Momisodes                                  
Raising Reagan                

Happy 3 day weekend, friends!
- Michele


Friday, February 1, 2013

Secret Subject Swap #5

Hello friends! Can you believe it's February already? I'm very happy because it means we're that much closer to Spring. It has snowed all week and I am ready to look outside of my windows and see grass. I know it's a little premature, but I am so looking forward to longer days and soft breezes. Ahhhh.

It's the first Friday of the month! That means it is Secret Subject Swap time! I panic every month about this project, but then I end up having so much fun discovering new bloggers or laughing with the ones I already love. Remember, we all get a different subject that another blogger thought up and interpret it any old way we'd like.

At the end of the post, I'll leave links to all of the participating blogs. There are 15 this month. Check them out, leave a comment or just tell them hi. Everyone loves to get new traffic. If you're interested in joining the next Secret Swap, get yourself over to Karen's blog, Baking in a Tornado. She's the creator of the swap and she will hook a blogger up!!! Come along now....



This month, my topic was given to me by Karen@ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy. Karen has a family of three and posts all kinds of tips on eating healthy, saving money and organizing. She is also an incredible mom who writes about her beautiful son. Karen's topic for me was: Your favorite brand of candy/chocolate asked you to create a new product. What would it be, what ingredients, flavors, name, packaging?

Holy Hit-the-Jackpot, man! Seriously?? That topic is on my bucket list! Well not really, but now I'm absolutely adding it. Here we go:
***

M&M Mars and Ghiradelli kept calling last week. Constantly. They've been writing for months too, asking for a new line of chocolate. This, after I gave Brach's the idea for child-sized Sour Patch Kids. When I say child-sized, I mean the actual size of a child. Like the size of a three year month-old. Cherry, Lime, Lemon and Orange. You wouldn't know the exact flavor, because they would be covered in citric acid and sugar. After an hour or so, you'd find out your secret flavor! Sure, your tongue may bleed and your teeth may fall out (the package has a warning), but what a way to go. Lime is my personal favorite. I finished one off while catching up with my "stories" on TV.

"Ginormous-Sour-People"(copyright infringement) were a huge hit with kids and parents everywhere!  We showed numerous commercials of the computer-animated-genderless-figures doing the pop-n-lock all the way to the breakfast table. You can put anything with a glass of milk and some toast and call it a start to healthy breakfast. $29.95, my friend. Less than 30 bucks and you can be in a sugar coma alert ALL day!

I know why these companies keep calling ME. They won't leave me alone because they know I have a TON of money AND I have a famous relative. Cash + a famous name = credibility in this town. You know how some people get where they want to be because of who they know? Well people know who I am. I'm not ashamed to use the family name if it gets me what I want. Actually, I ALWAYS get what I want.

My name is Victoria Salt. That's right. Salt. As in my famous mother, Veruca. Veruca Salt. All of this candy-inventing business started one day in the 60's, when my grandfather made his peanut factory workers find found a golden ticket in a silly chocolate bar. The ticket was supposed to be a pass to some candy-making place. There was this whole to-do about touring the factory. Instead, all my mom saw was technicolor, plastic lollipops and overly spray-tanned dancing little men. She and grandpa were forced to follow a wall-paper licking man who sang freaky songs on a boat. Mom was petrified and begged grandpa to let her go home. I guess when she politely asked for a hen who laid eggs, (sounds like a simple request to me) the owner kicked her out! The injustice of it all makes me sick to this day. I guess it doesn't matter now. Grandpa gave mom everything she asked for after that. All she ever wanted to do was create candy that would make people as happy as she always was. Not at all like that kiss-up, wimpy Charlie guy. He runs that so-called company now. He's so busy burping soda bubbles and keeping secrets that he never gets anything done. Oh, and you didn't hear this from me, but I hear his whole family (Like 20 people!) co-sleep in one bed. Whatever.

I guess the least I can do is answer ONE of these chocolate companies. My newest idea is an everlasting jawbreaker ode to my kind, selfless mother, who told me that while it IS better to give than to receive, receiving was MUCH more fun. Gosh, I miss her.

My new chocolate bar will be filled with caramel and double dipped in chocolate. It will melt fabulously in your mouth, clear your palate, then do it all over again. Of course it will be wrapped in gold foil (in homage to grandpa, my mom and that lame ticket she never stopped talking about) and it will be called, "I want it and I want it now!"

That's all you have to say at the store. "I want it and I want it now!" The larger your voice, the cheaper it will be. I believe we would sell it in 1, 5 and 52 pound bars. Women will come from afar to get their special chocolate fix. It will cure headaches and backaches and the worst cases of PMS. Men can eat it too, but it will have different results. Like Viagra. With a few other side effects I can't go into right now.

Come closer. Because like that ridiculous Willy Wonka, I too have a secret. If you quietly go up to the counter with your chocolate bar, lean in very close to the sales person and give them the same eye you give your family when they have jumped on your last nerve...if you say in that scratchy, teeth-clenched,  end-of-your-rope voice, "I want it....and I want it NOW!!!!!!!", that beautiful chocolate will be yours. For free. Yep. Because you deserve to get what you want, just like my momma and me.

Yours truly (I guess),
Victoria Salt-Keebler
(Yes, I am also a trophy wife to an elf. He makes a damn good cracker.)

Thanks again for the topic, Dinosaur Superhero Mommy!
Don't forget to check out these other hard-working ladies. You deserve a laugh or 14 today.

Baking in a Tornado                         
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                      
Menopausal Mother             
Quirky Chrissy                         
Momaical                          
Life on the SONny Side             
Chewylicious                            
The Insomniac's Dream               
A Mother Life                                
Happy "Swapping like sisters" Friday, friends!

-Michele



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