-A mostly true journey of a girl, her man and their three kids; all trying to live harmoniously in a house somewhere in Utah. Names and exact locations may be changed in order to protect the grouchy.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

An award and an embarrassing apology.

Friends. Are you still out there? Well, for those of you who have me posted on your sidebar, perhaps you saw my name pop to the top of your list. I can't even remember what that's like! For the rest of you, well, you'll either find my new post by stalking the blog or maybe I'll FB it. I haven't been there in awhile either. I do understand that unless you feed something, you can not expect it to grow. I'm pleasantly surprised to see that so many people still stop by the blog. I appreciate that more than you know. Lately, I've just been busy watering and feeding the real me. Yep,  I stopped growing. Literally came to a halt. I'm trying to fix it, and weird as it may seem, I feel more comfortable talking about it right here. For now, there are too many details, but to give you the condensed version, "I made a mistake. A stupid, careless mistake." When drama flows around me, that tends to happen, but this time, I hurt the ones I love the most.

I thought it would be brilliantly helpful (economically, healthy, emotionally, creatively) if I stopped taking my prescribed medications. I'm not talking about slowly weaning off of them. I'm not talking about taking away one med each day. Nope, I was going to be the strong woman I felt I could be and I stopped. Cold Turkey. The man begged me not to. But he's a "Big Pharma" guy; of course he'd say that. My pharmacist bestie said that it was not a smart thing to do. I figured I was helping her out by not having to fill all those scripts! My daughter begged me not to. All I kept thinking was  that I could be that mom who was strong enough without all of the medicines that were clouding up who I really was. I couldn't even remember who I was. I wasn't sure if I even missed her or not. I have an online buddy who also told me to take everything slowly; to make sure I was talking with my doctor before making such a decision. I could talk to the moon and back about who or why I was doing this. The simple and selfish answer? It was for me. I worry that one day we might not have the insurance to cover some of the ridiculously priced drugs. I worry that while taking them, I'm not the mom/wife/friend/superwoman I'm supposed to be. I quit taking them with no regard for anyone but myself. I was going to be my own hero; not leaning on anyone but myself, because that's what strong girls do.

I'm a freaking fool. That's all I can say about that right now. The rest is too painful. And embarrassing. So embarrassing, I was willing to start a sentence with the word, "And".

There's my apology. I'm so sorry to any of the wonderful people I've let down. If you felt like I wasn't listening to your advice, well, get in line. I had my own agenda. Now I have to pick up some pieces and do some serious work.

You're probably thinking, "What the He**? I came here because the woman said she received some awards? I don't need any of this Debbie Downer stuff!" To you, again, I say, "Get in line". 

I actually was  blessed enough to receive 3 awards. I'm spreading them out over the week, so you're not overwhelmed by all this happiness I'm throwing out to you. Calm down, people. Breathe.

Award #1 was given to my by the wonderful Sarah @The Mommy Chronicles. Sarah, if you're saying, "What? When did I give that to her? Well that would be a big, fat, (let me look...) four months ago!! Which blog award did I receive? Oh, that's right:
Bless you, Sarah, I hope you still feel like passing that baby on, because I love it and want to stick it right over there on the side of my blog (Where it looks like I rock as a blogger). My untimely response has in no way diminished my excitement! I absolutely owe you a coffee for this one :)

The Rules for accepting this award are:
1. Accept the award! Thank you, Thank you Sarah!
2. Post the award and link back to the person who gave it to you.
3. Give ten facts about yourself.
4. Award some other bloggers .

My ten facts. (Haven't I spilled enough shame on the world of bloggers already?)

1. I love the show, "Grimm."
2. I love trashy movies like "The Hangover, Bridesmaids, Old School and Hot Tub Time Machine."
2. My daughter is getting ready to fly the coop and I haven't been very nice about it.
3. I have 1000 things to do and an emotional wall I can't seem to knock down in order to complete the tasks.
4. I didn't realize how deep my love was for Mike and Ike's. Ive been eating them as if they were an essential food group.
5. The oscillating fan in my room is my best friend at night. (Hot flashes do not rock.)
6. My favorite thing is laughing. (Do I sound like Buddy the Elf?)
7. In the deepest part of my soul, I do believe I have the capacity to be epically awesome :)
8. I have the best undercover blog friends ever.
9. In case you're wondering, I am back on the "drug wagon".
10. Still don't know what to think about that.

A few bloggers, I think are epically awesome:
1. Dawn @ Words of Deliciousness (yummy recipe genius!)
2.Lilybean @ Needles, Eggshells and Hairspray (hard working, sweet student, sewer and blogger).
3. My friends @ Rock Bottom (Sweet friends who speak the truth)

Stay tuned for my next installment of "Awards and Embarrassment". Oh, Heck yes, there's enough to go around!

Happy, "Be the best YOU you can be today", my friends
-Michele


34 comments:

  1. Michelle, we all have been there and done that. We always try to do what we think it right for us, and sometimes we end up making big mistakes. I've done things in my life that haunt me today BUT we learn from them and now you've got a great opportunity to get back on track. You've made your apologies, something that not many people do, and let's hope that the ones you let down in the process will forgive and accept. The ball is now in their court, so to speak.

    A belated congratulations on receiving your awards. Knock those emotional walls down one brick at a time and don't worry how long it takes. You'll get there.
    It can be a little daunting when children leave home but why not give your daughter a nice treat to let her know how much you care.Buy her some flowers, a dinner or a loving card and tell her she is special (I'm sure you will think of something good).

    And it's good to know you're back on the meds. Nothing wrong in that. Have a brilliant week and I'll be back :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. RPD, Thank you so much for your inspiring words. I'm moved that you left such kind thoughts for me. I'm taking each day as it comes and counting my blessings.
      So much of my identity has come from being a "mom". Thinking of losing part of that was a bit selfish. Letting go will be a longer road.
      Once again, I thank you for your comment. My week has been much brighter by receiving so much love.

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  2. Oh Michelle - sorry things have been rough. We all mess up....just not always brave enough to admit it! Be gentle with yourself and let yourself put it behind you - a fresh start and all that! Sending you love and a hug from over here! XXXXXXXX

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    1. Claire, Thanks for understanding. You are always thoughtful. Isn't it wonderful that we all get a fresh start? Thanks also for the love and hugs. They are appreciated. XOX

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  3. Oh no, I am so sorry. We all make mistakes, you tried to do something that you thought would work and it didn't. If you didn't feel bad about it, that would be worse. Forgiving yourself is always the hardest part. (((HUGS))) I forgive you....thought it would be nice to see that.

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    1. "I forgive you" made me cry happy tears. Your comment touched my heart, K. It was wonderful to see. Thank you. <3

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  4. I firmly believe that you did what you needed to do at the time. If you learned a lesson from it, so be it. Let yourself off the hook and move on.

    There's a lot you said that broke my heart. Because although it's OK to make mistakes, I'm sorry that you're so badly hurt by this one. There's a lot you said that I agree with too. But the most important one is this: I too believe that you not only have the capacity to be epically awesome, but that whether you see it or not, you ARE epically awesome.

    XO

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    1. My friend. You are so sweet. Thank you for your support and love. Your e-mails have gotten me through some hard days. Your last sentence; ugh... I just love you.

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  5. Replies
    1. Brenda, I love you too. Thanks for that Michigan love. You are always in my heart.

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  6. This award was so kind of you to give us--we are honored. Please don't be so hard on yourself--we all make mistakes but love means forgiveness---your family and friends will ALWAYS love you no matter what and be there for you 24/7. You were just doing what you thought was best for you at the time--and now you know what you need to do. You'll be back on track in no time--don't let yourself get stuck in the past--it's all about moving forward. When you need someone to help you take that first step, you know where to find us!

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    1. You are more than welcome for the award; your blog is so thoughtful and raw. I do know where to find you and I appreciate that line of love you're throwing out there. Thank you. XOX

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  7. Awwww Hon, my heart goes out to you! Hey, stuff happens, you know?? It's a rough roller coaster that sometimes we just get tired of riding on and are always looking for that exit to get off of it. I'm probably sharing the seat right next to you on that train, so I say next time we grab each other's hands to keep us from falling, OK? Love you bunches, Lady! XO

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    1. Your words are true. I think everyone is looking for a bit of validation. This was overwhelming. Your FB message left me with such a warm heart. I read it over anad over. Thank you for your love and for offering that helping hand. I'm not letting go. <3

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  8. Mistakes...I am still wearing my poster board and ringing my bell. As well, "I'm sorry" and "I owe you" will be etched into my gravestone. Man, do I ever understand. You know I do. Love you!

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    1. No gravestone messages! Rubbermaid. In the back yard. Cheap and family-friendly, remember?
      I know you understand and I love you for taking the time out of your life to leave me a message.

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  9. We all mistakes. Sometimes they become part of the greatest things that ever happened to us. I never expected to be a teen-aged mother, but now I have a 23-year old who is an amazing woman and I'm so proud of her. (I guess since I said "teen-aged" I can't say I was 12 when she was born, I'll have to cop to at least 13!)
    I'm so glad you can be aware of the emotional walls. Most of the time I'm quite unaware of mine (or in denial) until I slam head-first into one. You're an amazingly talented woman and an inspiration. Never forget that the One who knows you inside and out created you for a purpose, flaws and all. He is faithful.
    Love you!

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    1. Hilarie, I'm always so glad to read your inspiring words. You have such a beautiful family and it is all due to your lovely attitude. The emotional walls will forever be part of who I am. I wish I could leave the negativity behind. I wish I could erase the things that I forgive. That is my test. I'm sure of it.
      Trust me, I have been spending a lot of time on my knees. It's humbling to know we are perfect in His eyes. Love you right back.

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  10. You are so sweet to nominate me =) Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thanks for recognizing how hard I work. I cant wait until I am through with school and free to blog and sew and craft as I please. I will get to doing my part for receiving as soon as I find an air bubble.. these summer classes are killer.
    Thanks again!

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    1. Girl, you are such a hard worker. I hope the sewing is your escape. I love your style and your love for your family. I mostly love that paper chain you're using to reach your goal. Keep chugging. Before you know it, you'll be looking back with pride at all you've accomplished. <3

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  11. Things happen sometimes and sometimes life is not easy. I am sure you will be fine. I think you are an amazing awesome woman and I am sure your loved one understand why you did what you did. Also I want to thank your this award; it is so thoughtful of you!!

    Love ya! Dawn

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    1. Dawn, Thank you for your love and for the beautiful recipes you give us! Your award is very deserved. I am so happy that you have stuck with reading my words :)

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  12. No need to apologize for being human. We all make mistakes and learning from them is what makes us stronger. I know it's been a tough month. Yes, our oldest is getting ready to "fly the coop" and start the next chapter in her life. The last 19 years you've built a great nest but remember for her to really spread her wings you need to let her go. No doubt she will fly high due to all that you have taught her and the wonderful person she is.

    As for your own growth, sometimes when you stop growing it is because you are getting ready for a growth spurt. Having an inside view of some of the things you are working on, I know that great things are in your future. You have climbed over many walls and I know you will conquer this one as well. The "Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness" (great name, BTW) is quite fitting of your accomplishments so far. It is nice to see your talents being recognized once again and the wonderful circle of friends you have as is evident from all the previous comments. So, I'll pickup some more Mike and Ike's, turn on the fan and let's watch a trashy movie. I know you'll be laughing again soon.

    Love,
    M

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    1. Oh man, what can I say. You are a trooper and a saint for helping me through these last million years. Your words regarding A. are a blessing.
      My circle of support is much larger than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for your patience and genuine love.
      Thanks for the popcorn (minus the Mike and Ike's) and movie. Both were great. <3

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  13. Ok... I don't know who's Post is more Awesome: Yours, or My Man Mark's right above me here!!!

    Double M... It seems as though in your "What For & Apology," you are putting all others and everything else before you and yourself. Sometimes, that's absolutely admirable. Sometimes, although still admirable, it can have, as in your case here, devastating effects. You are an amazing Woman, Wife, & Mother (and Friend). The "Man" (that would be "My Main Man Mark") sounds like he has really got it "going on." Listen to him. Ha!!!

    I hate hearing of your pain... I am so happy to hear that you are again back on track. I can only hope that "back on track" is more closer to normal for you and the pain is more toward the rear view mirror.

    Congrats on the Award: Perfectly named for your Blog, because, well, You & your Blog are just downright Awesome!!! Epically Awesome in fact.

    Hoping your week is Great in every way. Keep Smiling, Slu

    ps: Shameless Plug... Started something New Today. Have a look/listen. Ha!!!

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    1. The man's comment is definitely more awesome. He is a keeper. Let's remember, he didn't come out of the box that way. That there is a lot of years spent with estrogen flowing through our home. :)
      I love that you wrote such amazing words (of course you did, you're a blogger!). I'm humbled by the words of all of these comments. Who couldn't feel better with that much love?
      I'm absolutely smiling. Now I need to get to your blog. Tuesday post? What is that?
      -MM

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  14. PS: Love the Top 10... You should go on Letterman!!!

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    1. I love the irony of the top ten never being in any particular order of importance. No pressure to have to wait for the best answers, right?

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  15. I'm really sorry that you're going through a rough phase! Hey, if you get relief from taking a few drugs, you really should take them and not worry too much about the rest. I'm sure everything will work out. I have you in my thoughts tonight. Take care!

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    1. I'm back on them, Roshni. I don't know why I attached so much negativity to them. I just hate feeling weak. It's odd that I don't feel that way about my meds for other health conditions. We need to work on our perception/acceptance of mental health. Well, at least I do. Thank you for your thoughts. I'm thankful for them all :)

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  16. OK... Another PS: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

    Something has been bugging me all week... I came back to re-read your Post. EX TEACHER that you are, you state how EMBARRASSED you are that you were willing to start a sentence with the word "AND."

    AND (lol), I have been thinking all week about HOW MANY TIMES I actually do that. Now, I KNOW that I would FLUNK, with an F, in Double M's writing class. :-(

    Off to check my two up-coming Post's to make corrections... Can I get you a Nice Red Apple???

    Your absence worries me a little... Hope all is well this week. I'm still Smiling, Slu

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    1. Slu! I love your p.s.(s).
      Don't you ever edit one of your posts. I am not the grammar police. I've been made fun of for my use of emoticons and over-use of ellipses... :)
      You need to read one of my first entries, http://followmehome.shellybean.com/2010/02/conjunction-junction.html where I talk about voice.
      I would, however love a juicy red apple...dipped in caramel :)
      Don't worry. I've been soaking in all the love.
      Keep smiling, man.
      -MM

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  17. I think we are channeling the same "I don't want to take meds" villain. I just decided to reduce my meds on my own. Not a good idea. I am back on normal dosages and I feel like being a human again instead of the hyper villgiant anxiety ridden worry goiter with a serious side of bitch that I am without them. I always tell my friends it's like taking insulin for diabetes....just a medicine. Why can't I take my own advice?!

    I hope you're feeling better. It sucks having to have to take meds. But if I want to function...that's where I am at this point in my life.

    Always here for a chat if you need someone!!

    I posted about meds and attitudes a while back - www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com/yellow-brick-road

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    1. What is it with the "bad-name" that those meds get? I'm so guilty of it myself.
      Love your description of "hyper-vigilant anxiety ridden" self. Especially, "the side of bitch". We MUST be on the same path :)
      Thank you for your words; it was very kind of you to leave me this comment. I am definitely needing to be the girl who is functioning again.
      I'll be checking out your article. It feels good to not be alone. XX

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