-A mostly true journey of a girl, her man and their three kids; all trying to live harmoniously in a house somewhere in Utah. Names and exact locations may be changed in order to protect the grouchy.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Secret Subject Swap #5

Hello friends! Can you believe it's February already? I'm very happy because it means we're that much closer to Spring. It has snowed all week and I am ready to look outside of my windows and see grass. I know it's a little premature, but I am so looking forward to longer days and soft breezes. Ahhhh.

It's the first Friday of the month! That means it is Secret Subject Swap time! I panic every month about this project, but then I end up having so much fun discovering new bloggers or laughing with the ones I already love. Remember, we all get a different subject that another blogger thought up and interpret it any old way we'd like.

At the end of the post, I'll leave links to all of the participating blogs. There are 15 this month. Check them out, leave a comment or just tell them hi. Everyone loves to get new traffic. If you're interested in joining the next Secret Swap, get yourself over to Karen's blog, Baking in a Tornado. She's the creator of the swap and she will hook a blogger up!!! Come along now....



This month, my topic was given to me by Karen@ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy. Karen has a family of three and posts all kinds of tips on eating healthy, saving money and organizing. She is also an incredible mom who writes about her beautiful son. Karen's topic for me was: Your favorite brand of candy/chocolate asked you to create a new product. What would it be, what ingredients, flavors, name, packaging?

Holy Hit-the-Jackpot, man! Seriously?? That topic is on my bucket list! Well not really, but now I'm absolutely adding it. Here we go:
***

M&M Mars and Ghiradelli kept calling last week. Constantly. They've been writing for months too, asking for a new line of chocolate. This, after I gave Brach's the idea for child-sized Sour Patch Kids. When I say child-sized, I mean the actual size of a child. Like the size of a three year month-old. Cherry, Lime, Lemon and Orange. You wouldn't know the exact flavor, because they would be covered in citric acid and sugar. After an hour or so, you'd find out your secret flavor! Sure, your tongue may bleed and your teeth may fall out (the package has a warning), but what a way to go. Lime is my personal favorite. I finished one off while catching up with my "stories" on TV.

"Ginormous-Sour-People"(copyright infringement) were a huge hit with kids and parents everywhere!  We showed numerous commercials of the computer-animated-genderless-figures doing the pop-n-lock all the way to the breakfast table. You can put anything with a glass of milk and some toast and call it a start to healthy breakfast. $29.95, my friend. Less than 30 bucks and you can be in a sugar coma alert ALL day!

I know why these companies keep calling ME. They won't leave me alone because they know I have a TON of money AND I have a famous relative. Cash + a famous name = credibility in this town. You know how some people get where they want to be because of who they know? Well people know who I am. I'm not ashamed to use the family name if it gets me what I want. Actually, I ALWAYS get what I want.

My name is Victoria Salt. That's right. Salt. As in my famous mother, Veruca. Veruca Salt. All of this candy-inventing business started one day in the 60's, when my grandfather made his peanut factory workers find found a golden ticket in a silly chocolate bar. The ticket was supposed to be a pass to some candy-making place. There was this whole to-do about touring the factory. Instead, all my mom saw was technicolor, plastic lollipops and overly spray-tanned dancing little men. She and grandpa were forced to follow a wall-paper licking man who sang freaky songs on a boat. Mom was petrified and begged grandpa to let her go home. I guess when she politely asked for a hen who laid eggs, (sounds like a simple request to me) the owner kicked her out! The injustice of it all makes me sick to this day. I guess it doesn't matter now. Grandpa gave mom everything she asked for after that. All she ever wanted to do was create candy that would make people as happy as she always was. Not at all like that kiss-up, wimpy Charlie guy. He runs that so-called company now. He's so busy burping soda bubbles and keeping secrets that he never gets anything done. Oh, and you didn't hear this from me, but I hear his whole family (Like 20 people!) co-sleep in one bed. Whatever.

I guess the least I can do is answer ONE of these chocolate companies. My newest idea is an everlasting jawbreaker ode to my kind, selfless mother, who told me that while it IS better to give than to receive, receiving was MUCH more fun. Gosh, I miss her.

My new chocolate bar will be filled with caramel and double dipped in chocolate. It will melt fabulously in your mouth, clear your palate, then do it all over again. Of course it will be wrapped in gold foil (in homage to grandpa, my mom and that lame ticket she never stopped talking about) and it will be called, "I want it and I want it now!"

That's all you have to say at the store. "I want it and I want it now!" The larger your voice, the cheaper it will be. I believe we would sell it in 1, 5 and 52 pound bars. Women will come from afar to get their special chocolate fix. It will cure headaches and backaches and the worst cases of PMS. Men can eat it too, but it will have different results. Like Viagra. With a few other side effects I can't go into right now.

Come closer. Because like that ridiculous Willy Wonka, I too have a secret. If you quietly go up to the counter with your chocolate bar, lean in very close to the sales person and give them the same eye you give your family when they have jumped on your last nerve...if you say in that scratchy, teeth-clenched,  end-of-your-rope voice, "I want it....and I want it NOW!!!!!!!", that beautiful chocolate will be yours. For free. Yep. Because you deserve to get what you want, just like my momma and me.

Yours truly (I guess),
Victoria Salt-Keebler
(Yes, I am also a trophy wife to an elf. He makes a damn good cracker.)

Thanks again for the topic, Dinosaur Superhero Mommy!
Don't forget to check out these other hard-working ladies. You deserve a laugh or 14 today.

Baking in a Tornado                         
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                      
Menopausal Mother             
Quirky Chrissy                         
Momaical                          
Life on the SONny Side             
Chewylicious                            
The Insomniac's Dream               
A Mother Life                                
Happy "Swapping like sisters" Friday, friends!

-Michele



47 comments:

  1. I COULD use a laugh or 14 today. Thanks for starting it on the right foot.

    I don't know what was wrong with my childhood. Although I read and enjoyed "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" during elementary school, I didn't see the movie (with Gene Wilder) until just a few years ago. How did I miss that childhood gem? How did I not get to have nightmares about those creepy orange Oompa Loompa's?

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    1. It's so good to see you on the blog, Nicole. I love Gene Wilder, but that movie scared the life out of me when I was little. I tried to watch the newer version, but it felt like I was cheating so I stopped! Oompa Loompas are clearly connected to my fear of clowns :)

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  2. Oh, forgot to add that I also really could use that magic chocolate bar today. I'm sure I could do a very convincing lean-in-really-close-and-sound-like-I'm-about-to-lose-it voice to ask for it, too.

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    1. I think everyone deserves free chocolate on days like that. I hope things are looking up for you soon <3

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  3. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG...I had to read this five times, I was laughing so hard. You rocked this topic babe, loved that you loved the topic. Okay...going to read it again....

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    1. When I received that topic two weeks ago I smiled BIG. Chocolate is my favorite topic, man! Candy itself is a close second :) Thanks for commenting. I know my posts are a bit long; you are awesome to have stuck with it until the end! COme back as often as you like :)

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  4. Now I know why I love you. You are just too freaking funny. I don't know where you get this stuff from, but I highly recommend you leave your brain to science . . . As always, thanks for the laughs (nonstop from start to finish)!

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    1. Hey, you know I loved that topic....and that I was sequestered to my room with a bag of Snickers for inspiration. Thanks for including me in the swap. It is always so much fun to read what everyone comes up with.
      I'm leaving my whole body to science. I'd love to haunt med. students :)

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  5. My boys would like to place an order for the Ginormous Sour Kids, please. They would each like two, one to eat now, and one to sleep with at night because THAT is how much they love sour patch kids! (Very inventive post)

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    1. Sour patch kids complete me. I know that they are for kids, but I eat them constantly. When the order is complete, your kids can be my first customers :)

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  6. WOW, just WOW! I absolutely love the way that your brain works! You're so freaking creative ;) Ginormous Sour People are like the amazing answer to a question I didn't know I was asking! I must have them! And married to an elf! Some girls have all the luck...

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    1. Thank you, Jen. I really have to lay off the sweets, but I would kill for a Ginormous Sour Person. Thanks for reading the whole thing. Being married to an elf adds on to a carb-filled diet, but those buttery crackers and the fact that my husband lives in a tree with his friends, makes is all worth it :)

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  7. This is hilarious! But I just can't get the image of those Ginormous Sour Kids out of my head. I don't know how you come up with this stuff but it sure would be fun to spend a day in your head. And all this creativity with nary a beer in site. I'm impressed. :-)

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    1. Ha! Girl, if you only knew... My husband locked me in my room until I finished writing this post. It was pure hell sitting in silence with a bag of Snickers and my computer while he watched the kids.....
      You wouldn't want to be near this brain, lately. It's a scary place to be! I love your comments.

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  8. "I want it and I want it now." Pretty much my "calling" after dinner each night... we're always asking, "What do we have?" Ha!!!

    Enjoyed!!!

    Take care, Slu

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    1. Thanks Slu.

      You sound like the man. Only he never asks, "What do we have?" He usually goes straight for the ice cream.
      Remember (I've said it before), after Sunday night, we are all undefeated again. Go Lions!
      -MM

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  9. Hahaha!! Michele..oops, I mean Victoria;) you are just too clever at this for words! I always knew your Momma had been misunderstood!! I loved the crack about Charlie's whole family co-sleeping! LOL! Oh and thank you kindly for each and every comment you left on my blog yesterday and Wednesday. You are so incredibly thoughtful. You are an inspiration and a great lady and my hero Shelly Bean xox

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    1. Josie, I adore you! (So does Victoria!) Aren't ALL mommas misunderstood? Although I let my babies sleep with us whenever they wanted, I never could understand how those grandparents slept feet-to-feet. It made me claustrophobic! I loved each and every one of your posts. They help me re-live some very trying but remarkable times as a mom. Your children are lucky to have you. Those videos of the peek-a-boo behind the cupboards and listening to you all laugh.....priceless. Thank you for your friendship, girl.

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  10. What a fun way to deliver your prompt....I loved it..

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    1. Thank you, Molley. This was a fun one to write.

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  11. OMG where was that damn chocolate bar last week?!? You, ma'am, have found my weakness!!!!

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    1. Chocolate is my ultimate weakness. One day that chocolate will be invented and I will be first in line yelling to get it for free:)

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    2. Let me know and we'll make it a date! lol

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  12. If I yell, "I want it NOW, DAMMIT!!!!", will I get it free?!! :D
    Another ROTFL post, Michele!!

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    1. Absolutely! You make me laugh, Roshni. Thanks for commenting.

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  13. Sour Patch Kids the size of a kid? Great idea, and I'm sure our kids have probably ingested a comparable amount of sugar at some point (Halloween, anyone?). Probably less candy wrappers laying around the house, too. Hopefully the "I want it..." bar won't get confused with the Whatchamacallit bar since both have one of the five W's in their name. Not sure I'd want to be at the store with all the yelling to get a free one. Thanks for the great story - I enjoyed reading it!

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    1. Um, sure....yeah....it was the kids. Dang children!
      I don't think they make Whatchamacallits anymore. They were too full of air. Not enough dark chocolate..
      Are you kidding me? Women and free delicious chocolate? Yeah, you better stay out in the car. <3

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  14. I want it and I want it now! Seriously. YUM.

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    1. Me too, Chrissy. Me too. Can you imagine?

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  15. That chocolate bar sounds pretty tasty I love chocolate and caramel. You didn't say whether or not it was milk chocolate, which is my favorite, so I am just going to assume that it is. There's nothing left for me to say except I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW!
    Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

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    1. Oh girl, it will come in any kind of chocolate you want! Ha! Caramel is one of my favorites! Do you remember Carmellos? Yum. When it comes to my chocolate you should ALWAYS Get what you want!:)

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  16. I love the way you respond to all your prompts! They're so creative! I can't wait for you to answer one of mine one day! I love it! I don't know if I could stand eating that much candy...I think my dentist would object LMAO

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    1. Courtney, you are so sweet. I'm sure we'll be doing enough swaps that eventually we'll get each other's prompts! NEVER say that you can't eat that much candy, only that you'll try...
      Trust me, your dentist would love it!! With dollar signs in his/her eyes, He/She would probably buy you your first batch!

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  17. This was so funny, I always love to read your writing. I could go for one of the chocolate and caramel bars right about now.

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    1. Thanks, Dawn. I love that you stop by and alway have something nice to say. I just woke up and could already go for some chocolate and caramel! :)

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  18. This was hilarious! I think maybe my favorite so far! First of all, can I order like a giant linebacker sized chocolate caramel bar or 10, because I can put away the caramel and chocolate (hello rolos anyone or caramellos!) I'm trying to be off carbs (again) and this post is killing me! KILLING ME! But still awesome... You will forever be "Victoria Salt-Keebler" to be now :D

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    1. Thank you S.! Giant Linebacker sized bar? That is genius. I'll put a call in just for you! Being off carbs is so hard; obviously it's an impossibility with my husband being who he is and all. MMMMMMRolos. Trying to get the men to make some E.L. Fudge cookies and frosted animal crackers now. Ha! Thanks for commenting,
      -VSK

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  19. ΤΟ ΘΕΛΩ ΚΑΙ ΤΟ ΘΕΛΩ ΤΩΡΑ!!!! (translation: "I want it and I want it now") Will I get it for free if I shout it in Greek? When is it coming to Greece, Mrs. Victoria? Can I order A crate of boxes? Shipping and Handling? Hahahaha!!!!! You crack me up, Michele! Hilarious!!!

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    1. Love the translation, girl! You should get two for being multi-lingual :) I wonder what the shipping would be on a crate that big??
      I'll let you know :)

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  20. Newest follower from your guest post on Peanut Layne! I love you, your hilarious! Come visit me @ http://wildwonderfulgingerssnaps.blogspot.com

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    1. Hey, thanks for the follow, GIngerssnaps! I'm on my way over now :)

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  21. SOOO funny! I would love this! I would of course order in each size, savign the 52 pound one for parties. Not to share but to keep me awake during the festivities.

    Great job!

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    1. That's my girl. You scared me thinking you might have to share at a party!! Thank you for commenting and for being a future consumer for "I want it and I want it now!" :)

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  22. You have just given me something to smile about - thank you! Had a lot going on lately - head down sort of stuff! Needed a good chuckle! XX

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    1. Oh Claire, I'm so sorry. Glad I could make you smile a bit. I'm sending you love and light XX

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  23. HA HA! I'm just now getting around to reading some of the stuff for the first week of the swap. I am so far behind on everything! Great post-I would like to order one of the 52 pound bars, please.

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    1. You may have anything you'd like, my dear. I am so far behind as well. I have so much to catch up on, I've become overwhelmed. Hang in there. The good thing about reading blogs is that they are usually right where we left them. Nobody minds a few extra comments, even if we are working backwards. Thanks so much for leaving a comment. :)

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