-A mostly true journey of a girl, her man and their three kids; all trying to live harmoniously in a house somewhere in Utah. Names and exact locations may be changed in order to protect the grouchy.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Advice from the eldest.

Hello friends! I'm so excited to present to you my very first guest blogger... I've been begging her to help me write for a while now because she is the funniest person I know. No pressure. At all.

Make it awesome, Alice!


*
After eons of begging, I finally caved in. Being the eldest child, I'm naturally the favorite, most talented, and best child my mother has. I mean, the boys are alright, but come on! So out of the kindness of my heart (and questionably to prevent any further slipping down on the favorite child totem poll ), I agreed to be the guest blogger. No pressure at all.. I must warn you: A. I'm a comma freak.. and B. Don't get your hopes up too much, but  I am just as hilarious as my mom says.. ;)

First guest blog post.. What could I write about? Well, the good thing about this being the first post by a guest is that I have no rough draft or previous awesome post to compete with. I thought about it a little- most people are on spring break, so no one really wants to read a deep and inspirational post and short and sweet is nice, but I've got to leave a first good impression as a guest.. I've chosen the topic of:

Top Five Things You Should Not Do on Spring Break:

  1. Renovate the downstairs bathroom you've been working on for many weekends now.
    • You may be asking yourself 'Why not?' The break is a perfect time to finish any previous home projects, right? WRONG! Tip #1: If you're hoping to enjoy yourself this spring break- especially with your family-do not get yourself into any situation involving  one or more visits to Lowe's. Nothing is worse than spending time off of school/work to pick out paint colors, and follow the Lowe's employees around acting like you're not intentionally annoying them until they tell you where they are truly 'hiding' the new shipment of that specific type of molding you're looking for. Lowe's does NOT count as a family 'outing'.
    2. Lay out in the sun all day everyday of break. 
    • Alright, let's get real here. Who doesn't love a relaxing day in the sun? The only thing I have to  say about this is that SPF is truly a beautiful thing! Coming from a teenager, being redder than a cherry and trying to convince your mother that you're not sunburned without crying by barely moving your toasted-arms, is much more difficult than you would presume. Tip #2: Just wear sun block! You'll thank yourself one day when your skin isn't equivalent to the texture and color of your overly-priced, Peta-protested, hip purse.
     3. Spring Clean.
    • It's the best feeling in the world to have a clean house, wouldn't you agree? Cleaning is a lot like working out. No one wants to do it, but in the end, everyone loves the outcome. I don't know how the whole cleaning process goes down at your house, but here's what happens at mine: Usually it all starts with the clank of a dish. It may seem like not much, but really it's the theme song to every kid's nightmare. Next, you've gotta analyze what it is that you're doing exactly. If it's not something that could pass as productive in the eyes of our parents, you best rush your sorry butt down to the dishwasher, or at least turn on the vacuum so that your participation can be easily noted. During this whole process, you say nothing. Absolutely nothing. If even a word of complaint comes out of your mouth, you've just earned a sly, despising  smirk  from your siblings for at least a few days. By the time the whole process is over, the house is clean and everyone is glad it's done. Tip #3: Save the cleaning for before or after the break. Deep cleaning is miserable for everyone.. why not save it for a time slot not considered to be utilized with leisure? 
    4. Give all of Your Time to Other People.
    • Okay, okay. I'm not knocking charity work here, people! Helping others rocks, truly! I'm only suggesting that you be careful who you promise your time to. So aunt Carol needs her cats groomed, Susie needs someone to help her paint her fence, grandma Pat hasn't seen you since Christmas, your best pal Kate expects you to attend her interpretive-dance party. (Let's get real here, who doesn't love a good interpretive-dance party?!). A few little promises here and there, and all of the sudden.. WHAM! Happy end of spring break! Where did the time go between filling twenty million plastic eggs for your lazy co-worker who promised their roommate's best friend it would get done, and pulling weeds from that one friend you can never say no to their garden. Tip #4: Say No! Don't let people take your time from you. It's your vacation time, and no one should be able to guilt you into thinking you owe them any of your time. Still be considerate, of course! If Susie really needs help painting her fence and you enjoy painting, go for it! Unless it involves going anywhere near a Lowe's. (Make sure the paint has already been purchased.) 
    5. Create a To-Do List.
    • A little organization never hurt anyone, right? WRONG! Haha
In short, I would like to thank you for reading this far.. You are my heroes, truly! To keep it short and sweet here, have an awesome spring break! Relax, stay safe, and have fun! :) Thank you to Shellybean for letting me be the guest blogger. I'm definitely not a natural like you, but I appreciate the chance! I know you don't keep count or anything in particular, but if you did, this should definitely boost me up like 734 points on the favorite child spectrum.. At least until Chris writes a post for you! ;) 

-Love Alice.

14 comments:

  1. great job guest blogger!!! Your advice for spring break is priceless (for those of you that are blessed with a spring break). You made me laugh the entire way through. I will just assume the obvious here, that your sense of humor comes directly from your beautiful Aunt. :)I look forward to reading more from you.

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    1. Her sense of humor is most-definitely aligned with that of her Aunt K. This was the first year that I can remember where the kids had a whole week off for Break. It's been wonderful :)

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    2. My humor was definitely inherited from you, Kimmi! I mean, my ma is funny.. But ya know! ;) hahaha Love you both!! Thanks so much! :)

      -Alex

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  2. Nice start! Although you really should add a few more items--more like Dave's top 10 list. Here's some suggestions: 6) leave your husband to take a week-long caribbean cruise with your siblings; 7) stay in Utah to experience the day-to-day 30 degree temperature changes, up-down, up-down; 8) spend those cold, windy days indoors working on your taxes trying to track down those tricky little deductions; 9) try to do business with anyone not working in a retail establishment because they won't be there or answer the phone, THEY'RE ON SPRING BREAK(!); and 10) pine for those days when you were young and went on foot with your cousins for an Easter excursion down the country lane to the river to picnic--boiled, colored eggs and candy--and play games and enjoy the freedom of the outdoors in the spring without any adult supervision (oh, and come home smelling like smoke).

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    1. J, Ha! It only took me forever to figure out who wrote this comment. You'd think the "siblings and cruise" would have given it away, but the Dave reference threw me off. (Letterman, I get it). Still, we have yet to finish number 8 and I would have loved to have spent the week in a state the shape of a mitten. I miss dinner at Grandma's, Easter dresses, going to church and looking at all the beautiful Easter hats and eating jellybeans like someone was going to take them away...Thanks for commenting :)

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  3. Oh I loved the entire post. Great tips- I will certainly avoid cleaning and giving my time away from now on :P -If I can help it! It sometimes feels as though everyone has some thing, some task, some event that only I can complete. You are amazing and you write like a pro! Miss you all so much, especially your fabulous card game that apparently is too hard for people living in Michigan to learn. :\

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    1. Al is a great writer. I've been asking her to write for a long time. Michiganians NOT understanding card games? You should try to teach ANYONE here Euchre. It's near impossible. Some thing are meant to stay in their places :)

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    2. Thank you Savannah! I totally understand the whole specific task thing. There are some things you just can't get out of, and it sucks! Miss you! It's not the same playing that card game with Chris.. all he does is cheat! ;) hahaha It's alright, no one here really knows how to play it either! Love you! :)

      -Alex!

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  4. Alice, what a beautifully written blogpost. I especially enjoyed the prose of the first paragraph. It takes a lot of talent to...Hmm" What's that? You started on the second paragraph? Well, that was very nice too..... You are an adorable child and I thank you too much for helping an exhausted mama out. Thank you for your words and humor. Mamacello loves you :)

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    1. Hmm.. I don't quite understand this. You just congratulated yourself on your writing? That's okay. Fine. Chris is a phenomenal writer, I'm certain. Thanks for letting me guest blog, Shellybean.. But I think we should leave the blogging up to you! After all, you're only the best until we find better! ;) I enjoy writing, but I'm not so certain I should be given the position to give other people advice.. You on the other hand are a professional! You know how to use your words to keep things funny but serious. Your posts reach so many people and inspire/influence them deeply! Keep on keepin on, Shellybean! You're doing a wonderful job at being exactly who you are: an amazing blogger, a great friend, a wonderful mother, and and incredible person. Me on the other hand? For the sake of people who do not understand sarcasm and harsh humor.. I better stick to leaving the very best and entertaining comments on here..That is until Chris writes a better guest blog post..
      But let's get real here. ;)
      Love you and your classy blog! You rock!

      -Alice!

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  5. Dear Alice,

    You are certainly wise beyond your years. Your advice for what not to do over spring break is excellent. I only wish that you had shared this great knowledge a week ago as I have done most of what is on your list already. I guess that is why you haven't accompanied us once on those four wonderful spring break 'family outings' to Lowes this week (your siblings have so bonus points on the favorite child spectrum for them - not that anyone is keeping score!)

    Anyways, we are glad you are back home with your wit and humor - we missed you earlier this week. You are a great writer and guest blogger for shellybean. I can certainly see why you are the favorite daughter and I don't think you have to worry about that changing anytime soon. Can't wait to hear more of your great advice.

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    1. Aw, dad! You rule! I have to say from the bottom of my heart, it hasn't been the same since I've missed the continuous family trips to Lowe's. Lowe's has a special place in my heart, you know it.. But I think for the sake of our entire family, it's been for the best. I'm so honored to be your favorite daughter.. not that there is really that much competition there.. But regardless! By far, you are definitely the second funniest commenter on here! Right below Nickie, and questionably that one Alice character. As far as the list goes.. I think the most optimistic point I can make is congratulating you on not being sunburned!
      hahahah love you!! :)

      -Alice!

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  6. Hahahahahaaaaaaaa!

    I truly wish I could take ALL the credit for the above post, but alas, it was not me!
    I'm not sure who wrote it.
    Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and say it WAS me!!!! But, nope. Not me. (I would like to know who my husband (Dave)is seeing in Utah who also "play games and enjoyed the freedom of the outdoors in the spring without any adult supervision (oh, and come home smelling like smoke")
    I still can't stop laughing!!!

    Anyways, what I was going to write about this, (before someone else crawled into my head and wrote EXACTLY what I would say!!!)
    was that, I have known your momma and Auntie when we were still crawling around in Pampers and running behind smelly businesses playing in old tires!(don't ask.....)
    They are TRULY the funniest girls I have eva' met! Seriously! Until now.
    Alice, baby...you got IT!!!!!
    "It" meaning something pretty special.
    And I like IT. ;)

    I enjoyed this blog very much, but to keep my FF happy, I will say it was only my second favorite blog ever.... *wink-wink*

    p.s. Ask you mom if she still has that tape that she and her nutty sister made. The interview tape. (BTW, a "tape" is not the sticky sort of tape you are familiar with. It's a "tape" with noise on it....Sorry, just being a smarty-pants!!)
    Don't take NO for an answer.... :)

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    1. I'l ask you to never mention that tape again, Nick Nack! I can't believe I thought you commented earlier. Sorry- the Dave reference threw me off! I kept thinking, what does she mean by "so and so", but went with it because you are my most faithful commenter. HA! Anyway, I got a huge belly laugh out of your comment (this time)! I love ya,criss-cross-neighbor!!

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